Since Jeremiah Brought It Up…

I have really fallen off the post-every-day wagon. Or gotten back on the wagon — much like that episode of Seinfeld, I’m confused.

Anyway, I have done an overly crappy job of posting every day. If we take a look back on what I did post a majority of the days where I posted every day, it’s not like I had a lot of high quality, gee-Lindsey-you-do-a-great-job posts. So I might bow out of PTQ soon, in the hopes that I find my voice again and write things that I’m proud to put out there, not things that make me say, “Yikes! I hope no one I know is reading this!” PTQ definitely helped me to get back to my blog and back into caring about my stats. Unfortunately I let other things in life, like work, bring me down and squash any creative ligament in my body (I know that isn’t a catchy phrase, but why is it always the bones that are creative?).

Moving on.

I am going to work harder at blogging, but I’m going to do it on my more public blogs, only because I know I will work harder to put quality content there than I do here. And by putting out content that I don’t find to be of relatively decent quality, it just beats down on my ambition that much more.

So I’m going to spend some time finding my voice again, then hopefully I’ll post to my other blogs again. Then maybe this group can decide what the fate of PTQ is…?

Losing My Voice

Part of being a writer is having a “voice” that readers can associate with you. In the past, like when my blog was popular, I think I have a very distinct voice that was true to me. The way I wrote my posts was exactly the same way I would tell you a story in person (but with slightly more facial expressions and bad impersonations of people). Between trying to write with a “scholarly tone” for my master’s program, trying to speak with an education level above an 11th grader at work and trying to be me, I have lost my voice. My posts aren’t as free-flowing and conversational as they used to be, which makes them sucky, because you can’t really be funny if you aren’t conversational (well, I can’t be funny if I’m not conversational). Maybe it’s that I’m not as comfortable with my writing/speaking as I used to be, so that’s why I’m not as funny.

Either way, when I go to write a post, in my head I have this funny concept I want to express, but between the jumble of corporate-speak and vocab from my epidemiology book, I just can’t seem to get my point across in the humorous way I envision.  I’ve never been a fan of “trying” to sound smart. I prefer the writers/speakers who tell it like it is without using big words to prove to me how intelligent they are.

I’m not saying you can’t be funny if you’re smart — I think the reality is the exact opposite of that. I know that I am a halfway intelligent person, but I think I need to be an overly intelligent person at my job and in school. So I get into this mode of faking my level of intelligence by saying things that aren’t me or nodding my head in agreement to something I know I’m supposed to agree with but I don’t comprehend in the slightest. Then that fake mode follows me home and when I’m trying to post a funny anecdote about elevator etiquette, my creative, slightly immature voice has reverted to a hidden corner in my brain and is too afraid to come out for fear of judgment.

If only someone would just pay me to use my “me” voice.

My Blogging-Related Resolution

I have come up with a 2011 resolution related to my blog: I want 200 views per month.

I realize that isn’t a huge number, but for the year of 2010, there were many months I didn’t crack 200. Actually, there were several months that didn’t even crack 100. The year before was a great year for my blog, and I remember feeling good because of my blog’s performance. So hopefully 2011 can be a turn-around year. I would love to get that feeling back — where I actually look forward to blogging instead of feeling like I have to do it. Maybe if I have a goal for viewings it will help. I could set a goal for the number of blogs I post, but I’m worried that it will become kind of like this blog has: where I just type out something that is definitely not the quality I would like because I need to meet my quote (sorry!). We’ll see.

I Didn’t Forget About You!

That much-needed break was a good one. I definitely didn’t forget to post here for this long, I just really didn’t want to. I checked in a couple times to see if everyone else was posting and I was just MIA, but I was happy to see that no one else had posted!

So I wanted to write something about a New Year’s resolution, but I haven’t put any thought into a resolution yet. I’m always a bit of a late-bloomer when it comes to making my resolutions (at least I have been the last few years). I always mean to be a little better in thinking about the past year and what things I could improve on — and there are constant reminders to do this since everyone talks about it for the last two weeks of the year — but I just don’t. Somehow it slips my mind and I come up with my resolution a little closer to mid- or late-January. Or I don’t make one at all.

I would like to make one this year, or at least come up with a few things I either want to accomplish or want to work on…but I haven’t gotten around to figuring out what those things are just yet. I’ll report back when I do.

Wrapping Presents

My boyfriend is really, really good at picking out gifts and wrapping them. It puts a lot of pressure on me. I wrapped a few gifts I purchased for his mom and the entire time I was wrapping them, I was thinking, “Dan wouldn’t have done it this way.” And he wouldn’t have, because I had multiple — multiple! — times where I cut the paper too short on one side. There were other times I didn’t quite fold the paper over quite right, so it crinkled all ugly-ily and some of the edges are sharp enough to cut you.

Nothing like the gift of paper cuts to make you feel loved.

Drained

The stress of the new job, combined with the shitty snowstorms and my car’s lack of four-wheel drive have left me utterly exhausted. I feel like I’m on the edge of a breakdown. With that, I will end tonight’s post. I’m going to take my contacts out, do all my other bed-preparation routines, find a magazine I haven’t read and try not to damn Minnesota weathers to hell.

Writing Prompt: If there were no consequences, what’s the most evil thing you would do?

As I write the answer to this question, I’m assuming I will come up with rules I want to apply to the situation. My first is that I am the only person who gets this privilege. Also, when we say, “no consequences,” does that mean no consequences for me, or no consequences for anyone who my action might a/effect (I never know the difference, I’m sorry)? I’d like to say that it shouldn’t impact anyone else, but then it just doesn’t seem realistic. The “no consequences” should just mean that I won’t be caught. That is the rule I am assuming.

OK, what would I do?

First I have to decide what I really want. Initially I was thinking about getting revenge on someone, most likely someone who cut me off in traffic or did something else traffic-related to make me wish evil things on them. I already wish evil things on fellow drivers on a regular basis. Usually those feelings of ill-will are reserved for the people who use that stretch of road that has at least four signs saying, “Lane ends soon,” yet they use it anyway, zooming past the rest of us while we sit, going .00003 miles per hour. I also wish bad things on drivers who weave in and out of traffic. I really dislike those people.

But almost immediately after I wish things like, “I hope they get in an accident, but not one that involves me or any other innocent driver,” I take it back, telling myself that it’s possible they are in a huge rush due to some emergency and that on any other day of their driving life, they are perfectly safe and friendly drivers.

So I don’t think I would use my evil act on revenge. It’s just not worth it.

After thinking about revenge, my next “want” would be money. So maybe I would rob a bank. But then I thought that 1) I’m stealing money from people who put that money in the bank, even though it’s insured — someone would lose money, and 2) I don’t want to scare the people who are in the bank when I rob it, and 3) I don’t want to steal from a bank — they are a business and that business employs people, I would feel bad if my thievery caused someone to lose a job.

OK, so I want money, but what do I want to buy with that money? Probably a new house/condo that is closer to my new job. But really, I love the location of my current condo, so maybe what I should do is make my new office move closer to my condo.

Done. I would somehow make it so that our office location would move. Ha! That would probably mess up a lot of people’s lives. OK, so I would do something that  allows me to work from home two days a week.

Doesn’t get much more evil than that. I’m pathetic. I guess I just don’t want to inconvenience people for any of the petty things I want. If only I had a true enemy who I could just wish evil things on and not feel guilty.

I’m Back

OK, so I took a little break from PTQ since I was posting one super-short entry after another. I can’t say that this one is going to be much different, or that any near-future posts are going to be much different.

I started a new job. The job itself is OK…but very far from my dream job. I have to remind myself of this – constantly – and remember that it is only a temporary stepping stone to get me closer to that dream job. Another thing I’m trying to find peace with is my new commute. I have been very spoiled in terms of commutes. In my last position, I lived about 6 miles from my office and had the convenience of going into the office after rush-hour (through some deal-making with my manager). This meant my commute was a total of about 12 minutes. The commute home was a little longer – maybe 15-20 minutes. It was great. My commute now is about 13 miles, yet it takes me 30-40 minutes to get to work and another 40-60 minutes to get home. This is mostly because I have to drive during the height of rush hour, both ways. It is awful. I’m sure everyone else in the working world has already dealt with this and already made peace about it.

I’m having a really hard time doing that. I just sit there, wasting my time in my car. I’ve considered buying books on CD (or the Kindle :) ). I’ve tried to make my commute home my “phone time,” where I call friends who I know will chat for an extended amount of time. It’s worked decently so far, but unfortunately I don’t have enough long-talkers to get me through the week. My new office has a workout center, so I’ve stayed late at work, then worked out a couple times this past week in hopes that when my workout was done, rush-hour would be too. It worked one night, but not so well the other night.

It would be different if I was on a train/bus so that I could possibly read a book or bring my computer and write blogs while I’m sitting. But maybe people are so crowded in the bus/train that you can’t do anything anyway other than try not to touch people or think about how people smell.

I realize I’m being a big, whiny baby.

I’m Ti-Ti

That’s baby-talk for tired. I know I’ve used that phrase before.

This new job is good…but learning new shit is exhausting. And running around not knowing anything is exhausting. And asking everyone and their mom how to do something is exhausting.

More on this when I’m a little less exhausted.

I haven’t decided if I’m better off just taking a week away from this blog so that I stop posting entries that are not even 100 words or if somehow coming here every day will keep me in the habit and make me better. It’s mostly just making me feel guilty for writing such short posts and not improving.

Must Get Away from Computer

I have been super productive tonight and in order to keep that momentum going, I have to finish this post in less than a minute. I’m trying to follow doctor recommendations to allow my brain an hour of non-screen time in order to sleep better. I did write a very short post to my regular blog, and I posted something to my other blog yesterday, I think. That has to count for something?

Holiday Movies

I’m not usually a holiday movies kind of person. But for whatever reason, I’m really into them this year. I watch Fred Claus yesterday and I’m watching the end of it again right now. I wouldn’t say it’s the best movie ever, but eh, it was good enough.

My one major complaint about holiday movies is that in the movies, Santa exists, yet people — mainly adults — do not believe in him. I don’t understand. If Santa exists in the movie and does, indeed, deliver presents to kids in the movie, then how do the adults think those gifts got there? They didn’t buy them themselves, because I saw earlier in the movie where the elves actually built them.

I know it’s a movie, and just like all other movies I’m supposed to pretend that it’s OK and everything just works because it’s a movie. But it bothers me. This is why I don’t like movies.

Technicalities

So technically I missed my post for Dec. 11, but since I’m still up for that day, I’m going to pretend this post counts toward that day.

We got snow today. Lots and lots of snow. It was exhausting…therefore I’m going to bed.

Writing Prompt: What’s Your Life Motto?

I stole this one from John Travolta, “I’m too blessed to be stressed.”

There are a lot of times I like to complain — I mean, a lot — and probably 99.999 percent of the time it’s about something very trivial. But I still complain, and pity myself, and think, “Geez, Lindsey, what an annoying situation to deal with,” and then I try to bring myself back to reality and remind myself that any somewhat bad thing I have to deal with is so ridiculously trivial compared to what so many other people have to deal with.

I don’t always remind myself of this right away. And sometimes I like to complain about things to be funny, not so much because I actually pity myself.

I have an amazing life with unbelievable family, friends, circumstances and health.

I Hate Computers Right Now

I don’t hate them for technology reasons. I spent a majority of my day at my new job taking online courses about sexual harassment, confidentiality and a bunch of other things that I didn’t need to review. But I had to. I had to watch 58 slides per course. And take quizzes. And it wouldn’t let you skip all the way to the end — you had to watch. the. entire. thing.

Anyway, I’m sick of looking at a screen, so I’m not contributing much to the blog tonight. Goodbye.

Dressing for Success

Tomorrow is my first day at my new job. In order to prepare for this event and make tomorrow as stress-less as possible, I spent some time this afternoon selecting the perfect outfit. I could have gone for one of my go-to staples from my previous job, but, alas, this new job requires business “professional” attire instead of business “casual” attire, which means I have to have a suit jacket with me. I don’t think I’ll have to wear a suit jacket every day…but I probably will for the first few weeks until I’m a little more settled in.

Now, before getting this job, I had two suit jackets, both of which I purchased for the sole purpose of interviewing within the last six months. I had two suits prior to this, but they were both way too big for me. Since I will need more than the two six-months-ago jackets, I went all out and purchased a whole slew of jackets on Black Friday. Did I enjoy spending that much money on jackets, especially ones that need to be dry-cleaned? No. But I will be more professional-looking.

I’m hoping that something about the more professional attire will make me feel more like a professional in my job.